Relational Rupture and Repair

I recently read an article that surprised me (Embodied Faith Substack).  Often, especially as survivors, we are terrified of conflict and any kind of relational rupture.  But they proposed that when relational rupture is followed by healthy repair, it actually strengthens the relational connection!

I knew of this from Dr. Jim Wilder’s material about bonding and development, I just hadn’t seen it in the light this article put it.  When an infant is distressed and has a need and a loving parent meets that need and distress, the baby is comforted and this builds secure attachment.  This means it is also true for us as adults, especially when we didn’t experience a loving response in infanthood. 

From our trauma experience, we naturally run from pain, distress and fear loss of relationship if there is a rupture.  But what if we could see it in a new light now?  What if there is healthy community where we can share our distress or experience a relational rupture and repair?  This helps calm our nervous system and help us to see that not every conflict is bad and we can learn to trust that we can work through and “survive” a conflict and even feel closer afterwards! 

When we mention “relational rupture” our minds immediately go to painful betrayal and loss.  In the article, relational rupture was defined very broadly from being too tired/too hungry, to miscommunication or offense all the way up to a moral failure or betrayal.  Instead of focusing on trying to reduce or eliminate relational rupture (which is impossible) what if we focus on the possibilities of repair and strengthening the bond? 

Our fear of hurting someone often keeps us from being honest in relationships and keeps us from being authentic and vulnerable about how we feel.  No relational rupture can mean that we are not being honest and stuffing, putting on masks and pretending. 

So what if we take a new look at relational rupture and see the possibilities for strengthening the bond by being authentic and vulnerable (in healthy community)?  Instead of running from potential conflict, can we see the opportunities for greater connection?  Let’s do this!